Good Morning & Have a nice day!!
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
Monday, August 25, 2008
Fwd: One Liners
Love Humor & Jokes? Click here to Join Group...
• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the
prices of new car.
• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, I
feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the
workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I
don't smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams
would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke
this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry
about my LUNGS.
• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the
trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly
testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was
closed for lack of evidence.
• My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.
• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the
Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an
election.
• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow
his wife to drove his prize possession...even to the grocery store
which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she
departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print
your age!"
• "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay
with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to
write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute
and then expects your pulse to be normal
• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Fwd: FUNNY - NEW OFFICE POLICY....
NEW OFFICE POLICY: EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Fridays & Saturdays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks*:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed
elsewhere.
The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Fridays & Saturdays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks*:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed
elsewhere.
The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Fwd: Differences between you and your boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Fwd: Just For GAGS....
A Quality Engineer...
A Quality Engineer married an average girl…
After 2 years of tough life with her, finally Engineer got angry and sent a note to father-in-law stating that
"YOUR PRODUCT NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS".
The smart father-in-law replies,
A Quality Engineer married an average girl…
After 2 years of tough life with her, finally Engineer got angry and sent a note to father-in-law stating that
"YOUR PRODUCT NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS".
The smart father-in-law replies,
"WARRANTY EXPIRED. MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)